Happy New Year!

Not feeling particularly ambitious so I don't want to write a whole list of new year's resolutions but here's just something concerning my bible reading for 2010:

To do margin notes for the book of ______.
- can be OIA style (with the help of "How to Read the Bible Book by Book")
- memorize important scripture verses
- with an accountability partner?
I haven't figured out which book to start out with yet...any suggestions?

Maybe a Christian book as well... (I have so many to catch up on ><; )
- "A Case for Faith", Lee Strobel
- "Pursuit of God", A.W. Tozer
- "Disciplines of a Godly Woman", Barbara Hughes
- "Crazy Love", Francis Chan
- re-read "Passion and Purity", Elisabeth Elliot
- re-read "Pursuit of Holiness", Jerry Bridges


And because hopefully I won't be online later when the clock actually strikes midnight to signal the beginning of 2010, I wish you all a happy new year!


We all look back and wish we could do/say things over. Let's make this year one of less regrets.

Merry Christmas!

I hope this greeting finds everyone well. If so, praise God for all the blessings He has given you. If not, praise God for all the blessings He has given you.

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is Good and His love endures forever.

Just leaving you with a heart-warming story in light of the current healthcare debate (Yes, I do enjoy ABC World News):
Health Insurance: Unemployed Man Joins Army for Coverage for Wife's Ovarian Cancer - ABC News

My mom: "You can't just keep popping pills for headaches. You need to figure out the problem."
Me: "I know the problem. I need to sleep. There - I figured out the problem, but my headache is still here." (Takes an Excedrine extra strength)
My mom: "The pain's just going to come back in four hours...."
Me: "I'll worry about that in four hours...when I'll take another pill."

Me? A pill-popper? Maybe. Anyways, I need to go decrease my sleep debt. Winter break<3

Sunday School Answers

Sometimes when someone asks a question, another person will jokingly shout out "Jesus!" Or during bible study, when people don't know the answer, they'll say the typical sunday school answer: Jesus.

But in all seriousness, He truly is the answer to everything. Of course it's not as simple as "Jesus is the reason why the coexistence of a benevolent, omniscient, and omnipotent God as well as evil and suffering is possible." But in short, that statement would be correct.

For the last two philosophy papers where I've written about God, I've tried to take out the 'Christian-ese' and even tried to avoid the mention of Christ, sin, etc. But I've found it to be impossible. If I were to avoid mentioning Christ, sin, and God's redemption plan, I would fail to completely answer the question.

I'm glad these philosophy papers are doing more for me than just getting a grade. God's sovereignty is resounding so deeply in my life right now. Anyways, got to get back to writing my philosophy paper. Last thing then I will be officially done for my first semester of college!

---//---

The following are just some random thoughts as well as ideas I've gotten from A Case for Faith (by Lee Strobel) while writing my philosophy paper on "The Coexistence of a Benevolent, Omniscient, and Omnipotent God and Evil and Suffering," so I just thought I'd share them:

- Heaven...the end of suffering? Or peace from making sense of our suffering?

- Those with the greatest faith are those who have suffered the most.

- Justice delayed is not justice denied.

- "Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice when He could do something about it."
"I'm afraid God might ask me the same thing."

Unspoken Desires

To a few of my friends...

(Sorry, this is just a very rough draft. Hopefully I'll have time to edit it once finals are over/during winter break.)

---//---

I wish to tell you how much you mean to me,
to let you know that everything will be alright.
Because God is faithful;
And He said He will complete a good work in you,
I trust that His promise is true.

I wish to hold you now,
tight in arms embrace,
and wipe the tears off your face.

I wish to tell you how beautiful you are;
the inner beauty and strength you possess is incomparable.
The immense love you have for others, few know of,
the disappointment you suffer for your selflessness,
it's why I look up to you.

I love you.

Crossroads

For those who I've been venting to, they know of the stress and uncertainty I have in my current decision to be pre-med. In these coming months, with my winter break externship in Children's Hospial of Philadelphia (if my forms go through) and the summer medical program (if I get accepted), I hope to come to a decision of whether to stay pre-med or not. The thought of going into business/management is becoming more and more enticing, especially as I think more about planning events for ASA, networking, and how I'm struggling to get through biology 101. Also, looking back, I think I thrive best in leadership positions. Academic-wise, I could probably stay a psychology major, drop the neurobehavorial science concentration, take some econ classes, and work more on my chinese minor. Also, I could probably study-abroad during the year then. Hmm...maybe....

Tonight's Asian Students Association Board meeting made my night.

While we were coming up with ideas for the spring semester, the former co-president mentioned that a band named Tim Be Told contacted her about coming to BMC, but she didn't know who they were. Of course at that point my eyes widened and I started jumping in my seat. Now I'm trying to see if ASA can book Tim Be Told to come to Bryn Mawr in the fall! Keep your fingers crossed that everything works out....

ASA is also really giving me a chance to become more involved at BMC, as well as getting involved with affinity groups from other campuses. Just the mere thought of this is getting me excited.

reblogged from lisa<3

Goals for Next Semester

- Keep up with the work so it's not piled up by finals week
- Attempt to actually do the reading, even if it means skimming

...to be continued...

Youtube - my source of enjoyment during finals week

During a late-night study session in the library...

"Are you uncomfortable in your jeans?"
Me: "Uh...why...?"
"Because I know how uncomfortable it is to study in your jeans and I'm wearing an extra pair of pants under my sweats if you need it."
Me: "No, that's alright. I won't make you take off your pants for me."

Haha, she's hilarious. <3

Random Thoughts of the Day

I think I'm not a big fan of people younger than me because they remind me of myself in the past. And I mentally smack myself for all the stupid things I've done.

---//---

Don't get me wrong, I like Bryn Mawr, but sometimes I still wonder to myself, God, why'd you put me here? When I'm praising at GCC or having fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ, I don't have a problem with where I am. But other times...the thought bewilders me.

But today, one of my friends asks me for help on her essay. She may not be a Christian but she does like religion, and did grow up in church for a small part of her life when she was little. Her essay topic was about being religious and being homosexual, concentrating on theology from the Bible. I guess being put in a place like BMC makes one wonder about how to be a Christian and not condemn homosexuals. At first I had no problem with her topic, but she wanted my help to find Bible verses that said that homosexuality was not a sin. While it was a bit difficult to say that I do consider homosexuality a sin, and that she wouldn't be able to find Bible verses that said otherwise, I'm nonetheless glad that I haven't slipped up so much in my Christian walk as to not remain true to the Word of God. I guess what i'm really trying to say is this...I pray that I'm being a good testimony here.

Dear Peony,

When will you realize that what you're chasing after is not what you truly desire? It will not satisfy you.

Love,
God

"You shall have no other gods before me." (Deut. 5:7)

I remember when I first wondered about why that was the first commandment. At first it seemed quite egotistic, and I reasoned, Well it is God...He's sovereign. He is first. He can do whatever He wants. Later I understood that it was because if Christ really was one's God then it set the basis for why he/she would follow all the other commandments. Logically everything made sense. But it's only recently that I understand God's feelings behind this commandment.

For One to love us so much...to always be thinking of us...to have done so much for us...to have given up everything for us...to always want the best for us, the fact of the matter is that it simply hurts too much to feel betrayed or to be considered second-rate.

Love... really makes you wonder how much you can endure.

---//---

Sometimes I wonder how much others really care. Or maybe it's just that I care too much.

Currently Listening To:
- Psalm 19, Vineyard
- Perfect Love, Hillsong
- True Colors, Phil Collins
- Moving On, Tim Be Told

Sitting in philosophy class before discussing the topic of free will...I don't think I ever would've reflected so deeply on such a difficult topic if I wasn't stuck in a classroom and my laptop wasn't dying.

While I heard about God's sovereignty before in sermons and Bible studies, I don't think the revelation of it resounded so deeply as it did today in that philosophy class. I remember I had tried to reflect upon the topic of free will and God's sovereignty and how the two co-exist in the past. However, it was only today, after listening to Augustine's argument, reflecting upon my life, and considering others' opinions that the grandness of His sovereignty really dawned upon me.

Still thinking about it....

My friend recently experienced the death of her father. I was about to type "suffered the death of her father." However, after going to the repass today it hasn't seemed like her, her family, or the members of their mosque had "suffered" much. It's not that they don't care or don't miss him; he was a very loved imam. Nonetheless the atmosphere at the repass wasn't very solemn, definitely not what I expected after a burial, one could even say there was a festive feel in the air. According to my friend, he's gone to a better place, paradise. So they should be happy for him and just focus on all the good memories of him now that he's gone.

Can Christians do that? I can't remember the last time I've been to a Christian funeral, maybe I've never been to one. But are they the same, or should they be? Do we have such faith?

Less than a 90 on my philosophy paper pertaining to my belief on the final purpose of human life. I wrote about the Gospel.

fail.

But it's good to know that actually achieving that final pupose is not up to my own merit.

She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." (Genesis 16:13)

I read a quote yesterday that went something along the lines of "Love the one who saw you when you were invisible." To be noticed...to appear special in the eyes of someone...don't we all yearn for that.... But why do we keep looking when we already have that Someone. In fact, we have Him who isn't just anyone, but the God who answers our prayers when we cry out to Him in the desert place, and Him who loves us even though He sees how flawed we are. How grateful I am that I can come before Him as I am.

Songs I Would Be Listening To If I Could Find Them:
- "Hope of Glory" by Steve Fee, Todd Fields, Candi Pearson
- "The Kingdom Song" by Darrell Evans
- "Here I Am (To Be Used By You)"

This is why Tim Be Told is one of my favorite bands, if not my favorite:



Can't wait to see them live this coming Wednesday @ Sullivan Hall, NYC!

John 15:1-17
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.


2 Corinthians 10:3-6
For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.


Romans 8: 37-39
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Prayer Requests

Better management of time:
- stop procrastinating work
- study more for exams
- sleep more at night
- better QTs

A more Christ-centered faith:
- finding my identity and worth in Christ
- knowing He is more than enough
- building relationships between brothers and sisters in Christ in Philly, as well as keeping past relationships with brothers and sisters in Christ

Guidance for the future:
- spring semester classes and fulfilling requirements (graduation, pre-med, psych major, NBS concentration, chinese minor)
- summer: internship/job? missions? study-abroad? classes?

Human Trafficking:
- for people to realize the importance of the issue and not brush it aside as something that cannot be solved
- for the PENNumbra 'Trafficking in Sex and Labor' Symposia to have more influence and create more awareness in Congress, etc.
- for effective evangelism to the sex slave refugees in Germantown as well as funding and transportation for us to get there
- for all those involved in the trade itself

GCC Passion Revival 2009

Thursday - Prayer
Friday - Be still and know that I am God (the example of Paul); Soar like the eagle
Saturday - Extravagant Grace
Sunday - Glory of God and the example of Moses (Stop looking at our own inadequacies and hunger for the presence of God)

The above are just notes of what took place this weekend so hopefully I'll expand on them soon. The speaker was Pastor Sam Lee from Harvest International Center. The sermons were really thought provoking; I wish I took notes (but I was too afraid to miss something). And to see how people worship in different ways, it was...interesting to say the least. (I got a better feel for that it means to be part of a reformed charismatic church.) Oh, and the body worship (GCC Overflow) and a capella (GCC Full Measure - they performed 'By Your Side' by Tenth Avenue North!) were very entertaining. This weekend was definitely a rejuvenating weekend, even though all the praise and prayer was exhausting. (Wow, I have never prayed/praised for that long before....)

Currently Listening To:
- Hosanna, Paul Bloche
- Hope of Glory, Todd Fields
- The Kingdom Song, Darrell Evans
- Amazed, Desperation Band
- Arms Open Wide, Hillsong United

Everyone's doing it...

Well, actually, I've done this personality quiz before but I decided to do it again because I'm bored in philosophy and wanted to find out if my results changed since the last time. (Too bad I don't remember what my last results were.)

Your Type is ISTJ
Introverted
Sensing
Thinking
Judging

Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:
- slightly expressed introvert
- moderately expressed sensing personality
- slightly expressed thinking personality
- slightly expressed judging personality

Guardian™ Portrait of the Inspector (ISTJ)
The one word that best describes Inspectors is superdependable. Whether at home or at work, Inspectors are extraordinarily persevering and dutiful, particularly when it comes to keeping an eye on the people and products they are responsible for. In their quiet way, Inspectors see to it that rules are followed, laws are respected, and standards are upheld.
Inspectors (as much as ten percent of the general population) are the true guardians of institutions. They are patient with their work and with the procedures within an institution, although not always with the unauthorized behavior of some people in that institution. Responsible to the core, Inspectors like it when people know their duties, follow the guidelines, and operate within the rules. For their part, Inspectors will see to it that goods are examined and schedules are kept, that resources will be up to standards and delivered when and where they are supposed to be. And they would prefer that everyone be this dependable. Inspectors can be hard-nosed about the need for following the rules in the workplace, and do not hesitate to report irregularities to the proper authorities. Because of this they are often misjudged as being hard-hearted, or as having ice in their veins, for people fail to see their good intentions and their vulnerability to criticism. Also, because Inspectors usually make their inspections without much flourish or fanfare, the dedication they bring to their work can go unnoticed and unappreciated.
While not as talkative as Supervisor Guardians [ESTJs], Inspectors are still highly sociable, and are likely to be involved in community service organizations, such as Sunday School, Little League, or Boy and Girl Scouting, that transmit traditional values to the young. Like all Guardians, Inspectors hold dear their family social ceremonies-weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries - although they tend to be shy if the occasion becomes too large or too public. Generally speaking, Inspectors are not comfortable with anything that gets too fancy. Their words tend to be plain and down-to-earth, not showy or high-flown; their clothes are often simple and conservative rather than of the latest fashion; and their home and work environments are usually neat, orderly, and traditional, rather than trendy or ostentatious. As for personal property, they usually choose standard items over models loaded with features, and they often try to find classics and antiques - Inspectors prefer the old-fashioned to the newfangled every time.
[From: http://keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=2&c=inspector]

At Bryn Mawr's Lantern Night 2009
"Oh my gosh, we look like Hogwarts in our robes and with our castles!"
"No, we came first! Hogwarts copied us!"

About Freshman Year Dating
"You can look but you can't touch."
- Lisa Lee <3

So today was my second time using public transportation in Philly...definitely not a fan of it. First my friends and I wandered for an hour in the rain before we found the trolley station. The fare system isn't very convenient; tokens should stay in the past decade. Also the last runs are around 1AM - very early compared to NYC standards. Anyways, my post isn't even meant to be about how the Philly public transportation (Septa) is inferior to NYC's MTA, but about men, or rather boys in this society.

I know, weird switch in topic, but here's what happened. While my friend was buying tokens at the machine at 69th stop. I thought my friend's bag brushed against my bottom (that word appropriate enough?). But I turn and my friend's not that close to me, and then I hear this girl say "I apologize for my friend." It wasn't until I look up to see a guy smirking at me while walking away do I realize what had happened.

At first I was just in shock that that even happened. Really? Philly? I expected that in to happen to me in the crowded subways of NYC first before it would occur in a semi-empty subway station in Philly. Then my second thought was, let it go, it's Halloween, he's probably drunk. In the end I didn't do anything. What could I have done anyways - I'm not one to shout and scream. But what his action did do was made me think.

Why was I so appalled that this happened? Well not that it's okay, but I hear about it all the time, why did it seem like it'd never happen to me? Then I realized it's because I attend a fostering all-women's college and all my male friends are guys I respect. I had forgotten that douches lived in this world. Or rather I knew they existed, but they just seemed so foreign.

On the trolley ride back, the group of guys in front of us were making really vulgar jokes. Cursing really isn't that comical.... And one guy was trying to force himself onto his girlfriend, and all the girl kept saying was "Stop, that hurts." Then later she gave in and leaned on him. What?!? Stand up for yourself! Disgusting, just dump that loser.

Then later that night, at the Haverford Halloween Party, looking around... (I won't mention everything I saw because I'm trying to keep this post as PG as possible) people wearing as little as possible, girls inviting guys into their arms, guys expecting to grind.... This is the atmosphere was had created ourselves, only we were to blame. No wonder guys think that it's okay to do whatever they want to a girl.

I was going to end with this whole rant... the passionate spoken word type of rants but I'm just too tired. All I'll say is this - we need to stop tolerating this kind of behavior.

Thank God for music; that songs can express how we feel even when we can't make sense of what's going on in our heads and hearts.

An original by my talented friend and sister-in-Christ...enjoy!
You Are by Allegra Fletcher



---
edit// Guess words can describe how I'm feeling, just not my own words... (today's a youtube kind of day for me)...
Not Without Love, Jimmy Needham

Where’s the rest of eternal security?Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?

Also wanted to include Jimmy Needham's "Benediction" just because it's that good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSnltiQozVk

Choosing classes is always so nerve-wracking...too many requirements to consider.... There's Bryn Mawr's graduation/divisional, then premed, psych major, neural behavioral sciences concentration, chinese minor with study-abroad...

aish.

---
update: looks like i'm going to be taking a year off after undergrad

After a good time of fellowship and praise, the best thing is walking back to the dorm, reveling in God's grandiosity...taking in the cool autumn air as the stars above you proclaim His majesty.

Truly, Yesu Azali Awa (Congolese: Jesus is here)

Bio Lab Discussion concerning Bioethics...
Student: "No, I don't think the HPV vaccine should be mandatory. Why do we need that vaccine to go to school; HPV isn't being spread in the classrooms."
Professor Franklin: "Imagine that classroom..."

Philosophy Aim: Does human life have an ultimate purpose?
Go to class -> Learn -> Get a job -> Money -> ... -> X
X = ???
I remember when I struggled with that question...

Currently Listening To:
- Mr. Brightside, The Killers
- Better in Time, Leona Lewis
- What Hurts the Most, Rascal Flatts

Ever look back and not like what you see? Feeling like you failed?

Yeah, it's just one of those nights....

I've been very critical of some people, and it's time I do the same with myself else I end up becoming who I hate.

We all simply yearn to be accepted.

How do I become the person I desire to be?

"A man's looks may catch a woman's eye but it's his compassion that captures her heart."

The Two Sides of Bryn Mawr College

It's not unusual in public restrooms to find the vulgar depictions of specific parts of the human anatomy, or the "I <3 [insert name here] 4ever" and the "you b****" in response. But today, in a public restroom at BMC, scribbled on the stall walls were book recommendations, philosophical statements and refutations. Whole conversations and debates... ah, Bryn Mawr....

Afterwards, in my wellness class pertaining to drugs and alcohol. The counselor asked the question "Alcohol and drugs make people do/say embarrassing things - true or false?" The general consensus around the room was evident with the visible head nods, but one girl adamantly said "No, that's not true! I do/say embarrassing things all the time." Point taken....

I'm just feeling sociable and in a great mood because I'm loving this weather so here's just some random thoughts I wanted to share.

I'm really excited for Passion 2010 in Atlanta, GA. (I was bouncing up and down in my chair in the library when I remember and looked it up.) John Piper, Francis Chan, Louie Giglio, Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, Hillsong United, David Crowder Band, (and more) and of course seeing the body of Christ coming together to bring glory to His name. Still working out the details - registration, air fare, lodging, etc. ... comes out around $600... but hopefully I can go... praying that I do....

And this Saturday is the frosh-soph outing for grace covenant church. Looking forward to the ropes challenge course and the zip line!

I love how people do a double take when I talk about my classes; they're like "Wait, you said something about a guy in your class...? Aren't guys not allowed on your campus?" Nah, they're everywhere. My brother refers to them as the smart ones haha. And I think my family feels gyped because they thought sending me to a women's college meant taking the guys out of the picture. But sometimes I even forget that I go to an all-women's college lols.

Anyways, I should get back to work so I don't mess up this early in college. Apparently, BMC doesn't have grade inflation - dang.

Currently Listening To: The Best You Never Had, Leona Lewis

Reasons to Have Christian Friends

Just an idea that popped into my head. Feel free to add on to the list!

1. We can be your designated driver when you get plastered. (And you wouldn't have to worry about being taken advantage of.)
2. We know all the best places to eat.

...to be continued...

Making the Most of College

From the college intro series at Grace Covenant Church's Friday Night Live

Maximixing Your Freedom
True freedom is saying no to less valuable things in order to say yes the most valuable thing

List of Priorities:
1. God
2. Grades
3. Games
4. Guys

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Bryn Mawr College

I just asked Lisa how it's been in NYC. And then she replied that I've only been gone for 4 days.... Wow, it does not feel like it's been four days; feels like it been at least a week, or maybe even two. So much has happened in these last four days. Orientation information sessions, dorm stuff, scheduling, exploring, etc.; it's all been non-stop. I'm so tired....

While I haven't been as outgoing as I would like to be, I'm getting to know people nevertheless. It's a little more comforting to be in a diverse class (BMC's most diverse class ever in fact: http://news.brynmawr.edu/?p=3280), but I found out today how truly diverse BMC is. So today was community day in terms of orientation where we did activities to learn more about our community. In addition to having students coming from all over the U.S. as well as the world, I learned how we all came from different backgrounds, in terms of passions, interests, types of families, etc. I don't really know how to explain it but today we were given 10 minutes in our customs groups to write a poem titled "I Am From..." I wish I could type up some of the ones I heard from my classmates but as I cannot remember their poems, I will share mine instead. (Please keep in mind I only had 10 minutes to write this.)

I Am From...
Dreams of a more promising future across the Atlantic,
a past built on below-minimum wage jobs and persistence.
A home where feelings are shameful and love is unsaid,
and "When we were young and poor..." began every sentence.

I Am From...
Quiet surburbia,
where success equals money instead of self-discovery.
Cities that never sleep,
paved sidewalks, hot dog vendors, car exhaust, skyscrapers, and namebrands.

I Am From...
A family united through their Savior's blood.
A generation ever-changing, ever-growing, but never forgetting their past.
A college filled with passionate, intelligent, and virtuous women.

I loved this activity. It really gave me a chance to learn more about my classmates, their backgrounds, interests, passions, families, dreams, and values. While I knew that there were definitely some intelligent, passioned women at BMC, through this activity I saw how every woman at BMC was an intelligent, passioned, virtuous, ambitious woman. Then this was followed by a presentation on the BMC alumni network and achievements of BMC alumna. And to top it, I just finished watching Disney's Mulan with my dormmates in the common room over dinner. (A girl finding herself and discovering her true worth? Sounds like a BMC woman.) So all in all, I couldn't be more proud of being a part of the BMC nest at the moment.

Monday is Convocation and the first day of classes! Bryn Mawr College - Class of 2013!

College

So I leave for Bryn Mawr College for the first time in 4 days... on August 26th. Today I found out that the schedule for Customs Week came out and that my Freshman Emily Bach Seminar is "Drugs, Brain, and Culture." And I have yet to start packing, finish shopping, complete my wish list for classes, take my placement test(s), and complete financial aid and health insurance stuff. Everything seems to be happening lighting fast...and I seem to be stagnant.

People keep asking me how I feel about leaving for college - excited? Honestly, I simply don't know. Part of me wants to start anew and be independent. The other part of me doesn't think I'm ready. I don't want to drag my issues to Philly with me.

Seeking strength and guidance.

Talking with Deborah tonight about counseling, psychology, psychiatry...

"It's never only one person who is dysfunctional in the family. It's the whole family as a unit that is dysfunctional."

Is it the same with the family of Christ? Does the church need counseling? (Is that what Sunday sermons are for?)

Hello, I'm in pursuit of...Humility

That was what my Boon Church Coffeehouse nametag said. (Well actually at first I said "humbleness" but then Stanley pointed out that 'humbleness' wasn't actually a word. Note to self: Do not become a writer, you'll become a bum.)

Anyways, while I'm reluctant to admit it, I was actually thinking about what to write on that "nametag" for a while. My first thought was to write 'true love', but then I thought that was cliché. Then was going to write 'happyness' because it related to Dan's message that he was giving that night, but that would've been even more cliché. So after thinking some more about my current condition and what I really desire...to grow in spiritual maturity... I finally admitted that I needed to be more humble. (I began to discern that all my recent failures and problems have been the result of lack of care for others and being inconsiderate of others.)

Looking back at my past entries, all the posts have been pretty selfish. As I recently subscribed to Pastor Eugene Hor's blog, Mark Driscoll's Blog, and John Piper's fan page on Facebook, I see what they post compared to what I post and I can't help but mentally smack myself for constantly thinking of myself. It's been really encouraging to read their posts about their church as well as the nation-wide church, and the global church. Having dug myself so deep into my hole, I don't think I can fully comprehended the amazing work He's doing in the U.S. and in the world at this time; instead the posts that hit closest to home are those about their churches. As the time approaches when I leave NYC for college, thoughts about Boon Church and my relationships with my friends, as well as my expectations for my college fellowship(s)/church have been bombarding my mind. What do I picture when I envision the ideal church? A phrase from one of Reverend Don's past sermons pops into my head..."to be with people I love, that love each other, and that love me." A church characterized by love...selflessness and not selfishness. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. (John 15:12-14)

And I think in light of recent sermons (by Dan Shih and Pastor Scott) from Colossians 3 I think I know what I should do... "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. [...] since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (Col. 3:1-3, 9-17)

While I knew these verses before, I truly needed God to show me up before I was able to (once again) put aside my pride and surrender humbly to His Word and trust in His plan.
The first lesson was Boon Church's 2009 Coffeehouse. I hadn't remembered inviting any friends but apparently I had invited people when the Facebook invite first came out. I was going to Coffeehouse not expecting to see any friends so I was really suprised when I saw two friends show up, one of which would rarely be at a church event but showed up because of another friend, and the other had just decided to come out of nowhere. Under the impression that non-believers had to be coerced into church events, it was really humbling to see how God doesn't need me. While neither had a so called life-changing experience I am trusting in Him that He is planting seeds.
His second lesson was with a Herald Gospel Camp camper that I had been worried about. As her previous counselor and one of the people she had confided in before, I felt such a pressure to help her when I heard some troubling news. Going up to visit camp the other day I felt so confident that once I saw her face-to-face that she had to talk to me and would stop avoiding me, but I was so wrong. It was quite disappointing that night when I headed back down after hearing about her unwillingness to open up and without having her say a single sentence to me other than "Leave me alone!" The feeling of failure hung on my shoulders. Thus when I received an email that she had opened up later on, it was truly a joyous occasion.
These lessons in humility have truly shown me that everything is in His Hands. Looking back I'm glad I wasn't able to accomplish much lately so that I know it's not by my own merit so I can boast, but by His hands so I can praise Him.

Praise Him, for He is Good.

Service and Repair

Lately, a lot of things have seemed to go wrong. I can't shake this feeling of discontent. Problems are cluttering my life. Prayers have felt unanswered. "Friends" have disappeared. Now I remember why I never opened up before, because it's been nothing but backstabbing and abandonment. My temper is getting shorter and my patience is running thin.

I've realized that's why I've been so eagar to head off to college because it's suppose to mean a brand new start. But in my current condition, that probably won't be the case; I can see myself dragging all my issues to Philly as well.

"I needed a day like this."
"Service and repair."
- One Tree Hill

I need a day of service and repair....

Philippians 4:1,4-9

1Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I've lost respect for so many people in the last few months.

Or is something wrong with me...?

A Change of Perspective

When did the Gospel ever become about us? Yes, it's true; Jesus Christ did die on the cross for our sins to bring us back to into a personal relationship with God. And so we teach children to personalize John 3:16 by substituting their names into the verse. That's the intimate aspect of the Gospel that attracts so many people. But have we taken the Gospel too far and made it about us? Are we creating a Gospel that's too "me-focused"?

While it may seem blantantly obvious to you, the fact that the Bible is about God, and not me, was a much needed reminder for me. Many times I have approached my devotionals and ended up thinking "Okay. So here's what the Bible says I should/shouldn't do, now how can I do this in my life?" Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to strive for holiness. But my problem, and the lack of a solution, are inherent in my inadequate acknowledgement for the character of God.

At "The Answer: Forever His" Praise Night @ CEMCQ, Peter Ong preached on John 10:27-29 about the character of God and the human propensity to be self-centered. As I examined my attitude when reading the Bible I realized that I came towards God with a very self-righteous, salvation-by-my-own-merit kind of attitude. Not only did I become aware that I was failing horribly by trying to live a holy life through my own efforts, but I was also abusing God's Grace by simply telling myself that He would forgive my failures, using it as my excuse to continue sinning. Then I realized that it wasn't about how much I failed or succeeded, but it was the character of God, specifically His faithfulness, that the passage was concentrating on.

It was only after I made that connection that I realized Malachi 1 wasn't only talking about how the priests didn't give honorable sacrifices to the Lord, but it was about how the sin springs from their inherent lack of respect and fear for God as the Sovereign, Almighty King. Similarly, 1 Peter 3:8-22 is not only commanding believers to "do good" but it is only after we realize that "Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God" (v. 18) that we can have the strength to be righteous. Thus, the root of all sin is lack of respect for God and failure to fully comprehend the value of the Gospel.

It was only after I understood that the Bible was about God's Power and Grace that I realized how much more precious the Gospel is. Truly our salvation is not by our own merit. Not too difficult a concept to grasp, but it's true, sin is blinding. Like Piper said, we must stay in His Word and be willing to wrestle with God over every word.

Thanks be to God, His Word, and His faithful servants John Piper, Peter Ong, and Daniel Shih for this step forward in my spiritual walk.

The Church: The Bride of Christ

As I was looking for interesting sermons to listen to last night, as always, I decided to procrastinate first. So checking Twitter updates I found that Pastor Eugene Hor had posted a link for Mark Driscoll's sermon on Godly Men and Marriage. (Pastor Eugene's right; social media can be a powerful weapon if used correctly.) Going back to earlier in the week, Pastor Scott, Tricia, and Dan had made some comments on how Driscoll's preaching style could be seen as controversial, as he is a bit sharp with his tongue. So naturally I was intrigued and decided to watch the sermon.

Here are the sermons:

Marriage and Women (1 Peter 3:1-6):


Marriage and Men (1 Peter 3:7):


I posted up both videos because I think it's beneficial for Christians (and Non-Christians) to watch both, despite their gender. And of course it's not just for married people; definitely helps the singles.

As a disclaimer, Mark Driscoll can be considered unorthodox in his style (aka he's can be harsh with his words). This is especially evident in his Marriage and Men sermon but he does give his reasoning for his tone in the sermon. (I didn't see/hear anything controversial in his Marriage and Women sermon.) Personally, I don't have much of a problem with his style, in fact, I enjoyed it quite a bit. I've listened to a number of sermons on godly men and this is definitely one of my favorites, certainly a challenge for many guys. In any case, you may want to keep the volume a bit lower when listening to the Marriage and Men sermon (to avoid the mistake I made of wearing earphones and having the volume on max); you can see why for yourself....

After listening to these sermons, I began to think more about the church: the roles of men and women, the foundation of leadership and "strong pillars", mentorship, accountability, and fellowship. Moreover, as the day of when I leave for college (for the first time) approaches, I've been thinking more about Boon Church, my church in college (possibly Grace Covenant Church in Philadelphia), and matters concerning my spiritual walk in general. I pondered on the dynamics of different churches and what kind of church would best help me grow as a Christian woman. Out of these many trains of thought, what I realized is that the amount of work I need to do in my own life and the growing pains the church needs to go through to prepare for Christ's return is absolutely overwhelming. Nevertheless, we need to remember that the chiseling begins with ourselves.

So my prayer for myself and the Bride of Christ is this:
That while we can rejoice in God's Grace and have comfort that His love is boundless, that we will not abuse His Grace. That we will not become complacent in our luxury and freedom and prolong our childhoods, but that we will begin to take responsibility for our lives. I pray that we may see the urgency in preparing ourselves to meet our Creator, to live as godly men and women, living selflessly as Christ did, meditating on the Word, and praying continuously. I pray for God's patience, wisdom, leadership, guidance, courage, persistence, and strength to be upon His church. Thy will be done.


P.S. Sorry if it was difficult to read this entry. It was hard to find the right wording to organize my thoughts. It's been a while since I've written and I've been trying different writing styles.

Learning the Hard Way

When I like someone I just can't help but get mad when he chooses to talk to or spend time with another girl. I think, Why her? She doesn't know you like I do. Or, I know what's best for him, I'm the one who cares the most for him, I'll do anything for him.... But then I realize, what the hell am I thinking?! Do I think I have the right to think he's mine? I have no reason to be jealous.

But what about when it comes to God?

We're His. He created us. He knows every fiber of our being. He loves us - not the stupid, foolish, temporal love we have for our significant other but true love. The love that does what is best for us no matter what the cost. The love that stands beside us despite how ungrateful we are.

God has that right to have that jealous rage.

He created me and I said that I would dedicate my life to Him. I am His. I know He knows what's best for me, that He's done everything for me, and that He loves me. If I get jealous that some stupid boy considers me second-rate, how much more right does God have to get mad at me when I prioritize Him second?

---

Yesterday's Hillsong United Concert was amazing. The difference between a Christian concert and a secular concert is pretty clear. At a secular concert, you go to listen to the performing band or artist. At a Christian concert, the experience lies within the audience. To be surrounded by people who are all passionate about Christ, unabashedly shouting and raising their hands to give glory to our God...absolutely awe-inspiring.

Another thing thing that sticks in my mind is the analogy that Brooke Fraser shared before she sang one of my favorite songs (Desert Song)...
"I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure, just as gold and silver are refined and purified by fire. They will call on my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘These are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’” (Zech. 13:8-9)
In short, she said that we can think of ourselves like gold and God as the goldsmith. A goldsmith puts impure gold into the fire and the impurities rise to the surface so that he can skim them off, and this is done until the gold is pure. Just the same, we are tested, put through trials and tribulations. These times always bring out the worse in us. We are put through these trials so that our sin can be flushed out - and then God will be able to see His reflection is us.
And while it's cliche, I can't neglect the second part of the passage: Through these trials and tribulations, God is always with us and we can depend on Him.
“Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.” (James 1:2-4)

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matt. 6:33

I know what I should do, or at least I think I do. I know what I need to do to become the person I aspire to become. But it's always easier said than done.

I know I'm slipping, and I want to be better...but I'm afraid. I feel like every single time I've been trying to follow His way that I've gotten screwed over some way or another. I know it's not suppose to be easy. It's just becoming really difficult for me to see all the bumps in the road as part of the plan.

Am I losing faith?

He's My Muse

Your Eyes

Tentative, guarded.
Nonetheless your desires still shine deeply from within,
along with past disappointments,
broken dreams,
and the shattered innocence of first loves.
The broken heart scarred by tears,
wracked with confusion.
But hope remains,
remanants of memories of moments that took your breath away.

But most of all,
your eyes tell of your love.
Afraid, I look away,
scared the very depths of my being will repulse you,
frightened you'll see into my soul like I see into yours.

Catching a brief glimpse,
I'm lost.
Locked, I can't help but hold your gaze.
A sense of serenity pervades my soul.
Safety, security, protection.
Eternity.

And all I can do is pray you feel the same when you look into mine.

Forever and Almost Always, Kate Voegele

So the story goes on down the less traveled road
It’s a variation on the one I was told
And although it's not the same it's awful close, yeah
In an ordinary fairytale land,
there’s a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine heaven just sort of that
It's better than nothing

So you’ll be mine forever and almost always
And I'll be fine, just love me when you can, yeah
And I'll waiting patiently
I'll wake up every day just hoping that you still care
In the corner of my mind, I know to well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving I just put the issue to bed and out of my head
Oh and just when I believe you’ve changed for good
Oh well you go and prove me wrong just like I knew you would
When I run out of second chances, you give me that look
And your off the hook

Because your mine forever and almost always
When I’m fine, just love me when you can, yeah
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday just hoping that you still care

Oh, What am I still doing here?
Oh, Its all becoming so clear.
Yeah You’ll be mine forever and almost always
It ain’t right to just love me when you can,
Oh I wont waiting patiently
Or wake up everyday just hoping that you’ll still care
Forever and almost always

No it aint right to just love me when u can,
Baby Aint going to wait patiently
I wont wake up everyday just hoping that you’ll still care

Spiritually Weak

I've been really mean (snobby, judgemental, condescending, etc.) lately, more than usual anyways. And for that I'm sorry. I hope I didn't say anything to offend anyone and I pray that people don't think worse of me (but it's okay, whatever, I deserve it).

I've been trying to keep my mouth shut more but not saying anything causes the anger to build up more, and then when I do say something it comes out even worse.

I'm feeling very tired of being people's bitch. If you're not going to let go of the leash, at least stop pulling or let the leash run more loosely. Otherwise don't say I didn't warn you when I finally decide to turn around and bite...hard.

I know we can choose to become something different than the product of our enemies, but I don't have the strength to be the better person right now.

Baptism

Love is when someone sees the beauty in the brokenness of someone. It's when someone sees that potential which the other person can reach. Then result of love is when that person helps the other to refine and bring out that perfection inside of him/her.
--

Thank you to everyone who came to my baptism yesterday. It was so encouraging to see people even more excited for my baptism than even I was (because I was mostly just nervous). It was also really helpful to see all the friendly, smiling faces when I gave my testimony. I really mean what I said at the end of the testimony (below). Truly a happy day, so once again, Thank You♥

My story's not one of those with a terrible past nor was it filled with horrid mistakes. In fact, I had a pretty good childhood, sheltered, but not bad nonetheless. My first realization of God was at seven-years-old. I remember realizing that someday I would die. I bawled hysterically. Thinking, fearing, what would happen? I began to cry more at all the things I would miss out on while my cold, motionless bones were lying in the ground. Then the questions of what would happen to me and what the purpose of life was plagued me. I started thinking about what my parents had told me... stay in school... go to college... get a job... earn a lot of money... get married... have kids... retire...die. (Well, they stopped at the retirement part but you get the point.) So I thought if the point of life was to earn a lot of money, then life is a game...whoever has the most money wins…like monopoly. But who determined things? Was it like Sims when I was in charge? Was life like that; some sinister being controlling everyone and choosing to send a tornado through the city simply because he/she was bored? If so, if life was a game like that, then it was a game I wasn’t interested in playing. So I figured there must be another purpose to life and I began searching. However by age fourteen, I had come to the conclusion that there was too much evil and suffering in the world for there to be a God and I became an atheist. My life became purely about winning and always trying to be the best in everything. Life was pretty horrible from there on. Some people blame it on teen angst; I like to say I had a confused view about life. The media told me to look inside myself and listen to my heart, but my heart had deceived me time and time again. Listening to my mind, I felt a lack of passion and became indifferent about life. After I while I became so confused I couldn't listen to either my heart or my mind and I didn't know where to turn anymore. Thank God that before I did anything stupid, God brought me to Herald Volleyball. There I met coaches who taught me about...volleyball. But even more so, as Christians, I saw their lives seemed different, happier, more fulfilling. I later realized it was because Christ’s love overflowed into their actions and gave them assurance about the purpose of their lives. As I continued the program they shared the Gospel with me, encouraged me to find a church and recommended Boon Church - which is how I ended up here. At Boon, I was both encouraged and challenged concerning the Christian faith. Nonetheless, old habits die hard and after a while Christianity became another thing that I was simply trying to get better at. I gained more and more head-knowledge about Christian theology, but my doubts and unbelief prevented an actual relationship with God. I grew increasing frustrated with how life didn’t seem more fulfilling than before. It was not until one day that I decided to blow the dust off my Bible that I realized how God personally pursued each one of us.

That day, as I was about to sign onto Facebook, my computer shut down, but the electricity in the house was only cut off to the things that distracted me. Thus I decided to follow my previous urging to continue with my Bible reading where I was up to the Book of John. As I read about Jesus’ sacrifice and promises that day, the barriers to my heart broke down. Jesus wasn’t a god who told us to repent or else go to hell, but rather He was the God who pleaded desperately for us to listen because He loved us and didn’t want us to face the consequences. But in the end He knew that we wouldn’t listen and He gave up His life for us. So while I still had questions at that time, they didn’t matter much anymore in light of Jesus’ personal sacrifice to take my punishment. By the end of the Gospel of John I had found myself down on my knees praying for repentance and making a commitment that I would follow Him as my Sovereign Savior. As I was praying I heard electricity return to the house as my computer started up again. But the true miracle that day had nothing to do the electricity; the love and serenity I felt that day is unsurpassable. Feeling as though Jesus was standing behind me with His pierced hand upon my shoulder, I knew that He died for my sins and that He loves me and would never abandon or forsake me. In that moment I stopped searching for the purpose of life; I realized that nothing in this short life mattered; instead all I knew was that I couldn’t wait to spend eternity with Him.

While life may not have become easier as a Christian, the promise of His faithfulness resonates in my life. His blessing are very apparent; they’re sitting right here in this sanctuary – both my families. The family whose blood I have running through my veins as well as the family I was brought into through the precious blood of Jesus shed on the cross. Thank you.

Baptized - 04.12.2009

XLIII

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, "Sonnets From the Portuguese"

In the dead of night,
the silence becomes deafening.
The shadows creep closer,
and the air grows colder.
Trapped within the depths of your own soul,
there's no one else with you.
You're suppose to know that they're there for you,
that He's there for you.
Yet, head-knowledge doesn't suffice;
overwhelmed with hopelessness.

They think you're a fighter,
but the truth is that you've lost.
The sword is gone
all that is left is to hold the shards of your shield together,
hoping not to get cut.

In this hole that we're digging ourselves into,
all we can do is hope that there is still someone,
waiting for us once we're done.

Yet we push.
Maybe it's because we've been abandoned before,
and the possibility of suffering the loss again is more than we can handle.

So we push -
to see who will still be there.

alone.

Can't believe I was having such a conversation

In the past when I went over to my grandparents' place, my grandparents would always joke "How old is Peony again? Oh really? You know, she can join Miss Hong Kong soon."

"What?! Miss Hong Kong? You speak of it like it's a rite of passage."

Though I was flattered I just shrugged it off; grandparents are suppose to be the nice ones. Little did I know that it may not have been a joke....

Today it was just my mom and I at dinner. We were watching the chinese channels as usual. The commercial for Miss Hong Kong came on telling people that it was time to register if they were eligible and interested. And it came up again...

"You're 18 now...going to college soon...."
"Yeah, okay.... So?"
"You should join the Miss Hong Kong Pagent."
"And why would I do that?" (Why would I subject myself to that kind of debasement?)
"Because you can speak English"
"So I'm guaranteed to win?"
"Pretty much."
"Uh...I don't think it works that way Ma...."

Anyways, the conversation continued to how the past winners have come from Canada. And how HK girls can't compete with US/Canada girls because we're supposedly more than academics, and yet HK people are really impressed with girls who go to college (because most HK people don't/can't), "especially an Ivy-League" my mom added. (I don't know which is worse anymore, how she used to say I'm going to go to community college or how she expects me to go to an Ivy-League.) And yes, because we speak English we have an advantage because Miss Hong Kong has to go to benefit events, etc. to represent Hong Kong. Apparently it doesn't matter if we can't speak, read, or write Chinese though. The irony. Then my mom tries to convince me to join and starts outlining how my future would be if I did win and the "many benefits" she sees. For example, "You know, the last two Miss Hong Kong's have married the richest guys in Hong Kong." I quickly used that for an out to change the topic - "Who says I want to marry someone rich?" Thus the topic changed and she started telling me how my views will change in college. (Gosh, I hope not, I like my list.) And before I left the dinner table she added in that it was important for me to marry rich because I have to support her and my dad. I told her that's what Goh Goh (older brother) is for.

Interesting how other people's view and expectations of us are....

Stolen from my friend's (Ruth) status:

Why, oh heart, do you resist?
And why do you still fear?
Do you not know that God persists
and longs to draw you near?

Why, oh heart, don't you concede?
And why do you still hide?
Will he not meet your every need
and heal the wounds inside?

Why, oh heart, do you not yield
to Him who loves you so?
Will He not prove to be your shield
and take away your woe?

Why, oh heart, is it so hard
to give your God your all?
Why do you not let down your guard
and let Him be your wall?

Oh heart, just look around and see
that God is for us strong
though hardships, strife and trials be
with Him do we belong.

Our Shepherd speaks on our behalf
before the mighty throne.
Remember that his gentle staff
has claimed us as his own.

The Father's grace does freely flow
to those that he shows love.
Recall its warmth to us below
from heaven up above.

And give not in to foolish pride
Do not be led away
His Spirit is our gracious Guide,
and with us he will stay.

Do not be scared, oh little heart
Do not give way to lies.
A contrite spirit He'll impart
the weak He won't despise.

Thank God that swimming provides a catharsis for me.

Anyways, on my daily scrounging of psychology articles, I found many articles that interested me, yet disturbed me at the same time. Most were concerning the higher rates of depression, self-mutilation, and suicide in today's society. If you know about my past experiences then you'll understand why I'm passioned about this topic. That's all I'll say about that.

So this article (http://www.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20090116-000004.html) focuses on the topic of suicide/depression, but especially amongst girls. Of course, we all know about our individualistic competitive culture, society's unrealistic pressures, and how the strive for perfection only leads to disappointment. However, more interesting is how today's technology and modes of communication, hinder the emotional growth process, thus preventing problem (or drama) solving skills. In addition, while technology can help us connect with a wider range of people, it also takes away our privacy.

I think society has transformed the image of alone time and self-reflection. It's seen as taboo, a warning sign for depression. While sometimes it can be, I think it is only because we perceive it as so. Daily alone time and self-reflection is probably more advantageous than harmful. Nonetheless I say that with caution, for some people can be so steeped in their own world that opportunities and hope can appear closed off.

Don't really know the point of this whole rant, just that lately I've been trying to stay off instant messaging and blogging more for reflection purposes. Moreover, I've been trying to communicate with people on a more personal level, and I realized I suck at it...horribly. Yes, it's more my own fault too for being really introverted and a nerd/geek in my past years, but I do think society and technology deserves some blame.

So I guess the point of this post might be as a heads up. I know my own thoughts, so I imagine that other people's can't be that different. High school, or just life in general, can really make us realize how alone we are sometimes. Also, from my experience, I know how burdening it can be to feel like you lost someone because your pride prevented you from helping that person. And while that may seem like the extreme case, I think it serves as a warning for our current relationships.

Excuse Me

I agree. I've been really mean lately. Sorry. Trying here - probably won't say much the next couple of days.

need to hit the pool soon...

Post-Xanga

So I finally remembered what my xanga was yesterday and I'm checking it out now.

Wow...I was smarter back then. Definitely more diligent. But most of all, I think I was stronger spiritually back then.

When I first viewed my xanga I saw a lot of entries about my faith. Entries about how I was trusting in Him, how He strengthened me, and simply praising Him for what He provided for me continuously. After I signed in, I saw all the entries I privated. Reading everything again brought up a lot of painful memories. But looking back now, it's not the tragedies and disappointments I remember but my times with God, how He had brought me through it all and how He was always there for me. It's like the poem "Footprints in the Sand," it's the hardest times when we find we can draw closest to God...that He's there carrying us.

I promised myself something a long time ago; I will not become like my mother. Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother and I think she's an amazing person. But when it comes to her Christian faith I feel like she's lost it - she's become jaded. I'm afraid my heart might be hardening as well. I pray not.

In response to Lisa's Post "Open or Closed?"

To be open hearted and love people completely? Or hold back? It's a question I've been wondering about for a while. If you love someone, why hold back? It's natural, it's what you want to do. But people say that you're going to get hurt, it's naive, stupid, unrealistic. That life isn't like that, that love isn't like that.

But if love isn't this divine thing then I imagine it like this: One boy pines over this popular, good-looking bit..., I mean, girl for years thinking that she's his dream girl. All the while the boy's "best friend" is being too good a best friend for him to ever realize that the girl of his dreams has been next to him his whole life. Yet the best friend keeps believing that one day he'll open his eyes to become her dream guy. And all the while she cries to her best friend, a guy, that her dream guy doesn't notice her. And that "best friend" is thinking "well, you never notice me" but he'll never say that outloud and will ever only continue be the best friend. In the end, they'll all end up alone.

If that's the practical, realistic love people are telling me to go for, then I'd rather get hurt. I don't want to become that person that's jaded and cynical. I rather be the one who puts myself out there because I have to believe that love brings two people together. If love isn't like that then it wouldn't be worth fighting for. So call me a hopeless romantic, naive, foolish, stupid, but if love isn't like that then I'm not sure I want it. I want to believe....

Yet I'm afraid.

Just a Shout Out

Still waiting for Tim Be Told's EP to come out... I'm too indecisive to have a favorite band, but if I did it might be them. Anyways, just wanted to share a clip of a song that will be on their EP, Analyze: http://timbetold.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/analyze-master.mp3

Haven't even heard the whole song but I'm already addicted to it, might become my new favorite song haha.

Breaking Point

I'm tired of all the fighting. All I can do is stay in bed, hoping that sleep will give some temporary relief. I don't want to listen to it anymore. So sick of it all.

I'm tired of selfishness. Just open your eyes and see someone beside yourself damnit.

And I'm tired of being used and overlooked. You make me sick. I'm so fricking mad at you, but I'm not sure you would care anyways. My heart clenches every single time I think of you. I'm not sure how many tears I have left.

God, please open my eyes to the future. Please let that be better. Help me remember the time You held me and I knew that everything was going to be alright...'cuz I don't know how much longer I can take this....

Hold Me Jesus (Big Daddy Weave)

Video Code provided by MusicRemedy.Com

Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all

When the mountain looks so big

And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory

Won't you be my Prince of Peace

When I wake up in the night I feel the dark

It's so hot inside my soul

I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory

Won't you be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me

I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want

Than to take what you give that I need

And I've beat my head against so many walls

I'm falling down, falling on my knees God please

And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn

And your grace rings out so deep

It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory

Won't you be my Prince of Peace

My Testimony

The following is a draft of my testimony for my baptism. Still debating what I should add/take out...don't want it to be too long, at the same time, I'm not sure what I want to divulge. If this one doesn't turn out "right" then I may just use an old one I've written. Any feedback would be appreciated - thanks.
---

My story's not one of those terrible pasts or horrid mistakes. In fact, I had a pretty good childhood, sheltered, but good nonetheless. Believe it or not, my first realization of God was at seven-years-old. I remember realizing that someday I would die...yes, at seven-years-old. I bawled histerically. Thinking, fearing, what would happen? Who would remember me? Yes, I was conceited - I even rejected the idea that my parents would go before me because it was incomprehendible to me that I would have to go through that pain. Anyways, I wasn't too conceited to think that the world would stop due to my death though. I knew the world would still go on and then I began to cry more at all the things I would miss out on while my cold, motionless bones were lying in the ground. Then the questions of what would happen to me and what was the purpose of life plagued me. I started thinking about what my parents had told me...stay in school...go to college...get a job...earn a lot of money...get married...have kids...retire...die. Well, they stopped at the retirement part but you get the point. So I thought more, if the point of life was to earn a lot of money, then life is a game...like monopoly. Who determined things? Like in Sims I was in charge.... Was life like that too, some sinister being controlling everyone and choosing to send a tornado through the town simply because he/she was bored? If so...if life was a game...it was one I was not interested in continuing to play. So I figured there must be another purpose to life...it couldn't have been just a game...that's when I became interested in searching for a purpose to life. (Yes, I was seven-years-old.) Anyways, skipping ahead to age fourteen (intervals of seven seem to be my breaking points...). I had come to the conclusion that there was too much evil and suffering in the world for there to be a God and I became an atheist. Life pretty much sucked from there on. Some blame it on teen angst, I like to say I had a confused view about life. Life didn't make sense to me. The media told me to look inside myself and listen to my heart, but it has decieved me time and time again. Listening to my mind, I felt a lack of passion and thus was indifferent about life. After I while I became so confused I couldn't listen to either my heart or my mind and I didn't know where to turn anymore. Thank God that before I did anything stupid, God brought me to Herald Volleyball. There I met coaches who taught me about...what else? Volleyball. But more importantly, as Christians they showed me the love of Christ. And as I continued the program they also shared the Gospel with me. One of the coaches encouraged me to find a church and recommended Boon Church - which is how I ended up there. At Boon, I was both encouraged and challenged concerning the Christian faith. Then one day I learned the how true the verse "seek and you shall find" was. With gentle nudges from God...maybe coercion...I decided to catch up with my Bible reading one day. I had been going through the New Testament and was up to the Book of John. That day God's Word came alive to me...my questions of theology may not have disappeared but they certainly did not matter to me in light of God's love and sacrifice for me. In the presence of God and His promise that He would never forsake me, I made a commitment to Christ that day that I would follow Him, as my Sovereign Savior.
While life may not have become easier, the promise of His faithfulness still resonates in my life. And there are many blessings that are very apparent in my life which I am thankful for - and those are my brothers- and sisters-in-Christ. Thank you.

It's officially Monday, February 23rd...back to school today. I wasted my one-week off for mid-winter recess =/ (sigh) While I'm sad that there's a lot of things that I planned and didn't follow through with, the main thing that upsets me is that I still haven't gotten around to writing those letters. Got to be more disciplined.... I'm hoping that this week I'll organize my time better to study and finally get around to writing letters to people who have influenced my life for the better.

Just a side note, made a couple stupid mistakes today...really feel like beating myself up for them. Note to self: think before you speak, be more considerate of people's feelings, and go apologize to said people.

As flowers wilt and chocolates melt,
so will gold lose its luster and diamonds cease to shine.
While women may swoon as their lovers bend one knee,
even passion will grow soft and breath run short.
Seasons will pass and as the snow falls,
so will love grow cold.
Only time will tell if this love will last.

But if your thoughts don't wander,
your gestures still sway,
and your embrace still be for me;
If your light still shines after the rain,
and is as steadfast as the sun's warmth;
If your armour you're still willing to carry,
and my purity you're willing to fight for;
If your love be faithful 'til the end,
then "I'll live with thee and be thy love."

Happy Valentine's Day

Usually I don't celebrate Valentine's Day; I saw it as another stupid consumer holiday created for the sake of Hallmark's profit. But this year I'm glad to finally have learned the history, and yes, as cliché as it sounds, the true meaning behind Valentine's Day...or at least before it became a consumer holiday. Anyways my point is this Valentine's Day was different.

Walking into Herald Gospel Camp Reunion late today, I was so glad I didn't miss praise time. While the group was small, it didn't matter because what I saw was people who had come together as a family to worship the God we loved. Just one guitar and our voices...we simply smiled, sang, shouted, laughed, clapped, danced - a taste of heaven. There were no formailities; no worrying about singing out of tune nor turn, but declaring loud and bold that Your love is all I need, Jesus You're all I need.

Then Eugene gave a message about how God is faithful despite how we cheat on Him. I'm inspired to read the book of Hosea now haha. This is also the part where I learned about the history behind Valentine's Day. So during times of war soldiers aren't allowed to marry and so any soldier who was involved with a girl would be thrown in jail. And there was this priest, St. Valentine, who would marry these couples in jail. However, the true love story isn't about the couples, because there were a lot of Saint Valentine's (like about 40), and every single one of them were martyrs. They died for the one true worthy love - God's love.

After reunion was over I headed over to CCHC where I got into continuing my conversation with Eugene about my possible future in psychology. While we talked a lot of possible career choices, college, etc. the main thing I got out of it was that I should relax and trust in God. Walking home that day I felt such an inner peace; the verse "Be still and know that I am God" (psalm 46:10) was reverberating in my head.

That was the best day I've had in a while, and definitely the best Valentine's Day I've had so far.

I enjoy reading "The Way I See It" quotes from Starbucks...

You can’t lead the people, if you don’t love the people. You can’t save the people, if you don’t serve the people.
- Cornel West, Professor at Princeton University

"Behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes."
- Bruce Almighty, the movie

Haha, there's so much profund wisdom in that movie I can only appreciate it the second time around.

All I Can Say Is "Thank You"

Hmm...why didn't I post my birthday on my Facebook? Maybe it was egotistic of me to think people would remember my birthday. I don't know, but it bothers me when people wish other people "Happy Birthday" just for the sake of being polite. Personally, I know that when I see it's an aquaitance's birthday on Facebook I go through this whole thing - should I wish them a happy birthday?...even when I haven't said a word to them the whole past year (not since their last birthday)? I feel it just saves people the trouble if I didn't post my birthday. Also, that it's nice to see who truly remembers. Although that may be very hypocritical of me 'cuz I have a terrible memory. >_>;

But anyways, this birthday, my 18th, was really great. It all started last night when my former Herald Gospel Camper, Stella, found out it'd be my birthday soon so she started telling all the HGC people who know me (IM-ed them, spammed their facebook walls, announced it over her statuses, etc.) Before I knew it, I got messages from HGC campers and counselors wishing me a happy birthday. I consider that her present to me - I loved it. Even moreso, it really touched me that she felt she didn't do enough; said that I deserved more. She's so considerate...she's truly been a blessing in my life.

I also ate dinner to celebrate with my family the night before. We went to Mr. Wasabi's and ordered so much sushi we couldn't finish it all. And I ordered green tea fried ice cream and bought a Carvel ice cream cake.

I smiled when I saw the snow this morning. My mom told me that it was snowing the day I was born, as well as the day my parents brought me home, covering my face with the blanket to protect me from the snow. Guess it's just a sentimental thing, but because of that I feel a connection with snow which brings me happiness. I'm still looking forward to the day I can walk past snow covered trees with the sunlight glistening off the snow-covered tree branches.

Then at church, at women's discipleship, Michelle and Lisa suprised me with a birthday cake (also from Lauren and Liz) - first cake of the day. I also received multiple texts and calls from people wishing me a happy birthday. After service, we loitered for a little bit before heading off to Long Island to (what first was California Pizza Kitchen then changed to) Olive Garden. It was really nice - I did not expect to celebrate with so many people but we had a table for 14. Also, it was really funny when I got two birthday songs from the waiters, don't know what the first one was for, but the second one involved a dessert haha. I consider that my second birthday cake since I got another bithday song and wish, and since the dessert was so good. (I was really full but it was still amazing.) And I thank my friends for paying for me - probably should've been smart enough to see that coming, but I didn't so I was suprised and of course really thankful.

Afterwards, some people headed home while others went off to Dave and Buster's. Technically all of us weren't allowed in but the bouncer/guard was nice. It was fun to show my ID and get an okay though haha. (Yay, I'm legal xD) Didn't expect to end up in an arcade on my birthday, but I'm glad I did. On the way home, it was a nice ride with the snow falling (though terrible for Dennis who was driving). When I got home I had my third cake - the carvel cake - with my family. Then I had quite a time responding to all the facebook birthday wishes and writing thank you's for the day. I hope to write some more, actual letters, to people who I think have really influenced me in the past 17 years. Hopefully, I won't get lazy >_<;

But as for now all I can say is Thank You. Thank you to all my family and friends who either wished me a happy birthday and/or celebrated with me. And most of all, Thank You God for everything and everyone you have blessed me with. For all three of my birthday wishes - that was basically it, because what else do I have to ask for? All I can do is say: Thank You♥

After more than two years could it really be true?
I'm afraid to make the same mistake again, to feel that pain again.
It doesn't seem possible anymore; a tantalizing dream.
But if it is, who am I to question a dream come true?
Because it seems to good to be true?
Or just live in blissful ignorance?
Not knowing is slowly torturing me,
and while I thought I was strong before,
I don't know if I can take it anymore.
I've heard it said that some days we're the dog,
and other days we're the fire hydrant.
These days I just feel like the fire hydrant.

So everyone's talking about how they're so excited for second term senior year when they can just sit back and do nothing. So I figure I should be excited even though that's what I've been doing since...after freshman year haha. Anyways, at least I'm keeping up with one of my new year's resolution which is to blog more, even though no one ever reads it, so it's basically become like journaling =] So...what to do second term senior year (last term of high school whoot!)...? Well, if I was to follow my new year's resolutions of using my time more efficiently, I hope to...
1 - Do my devotions and bible reading
2 - Finish homework, etc.
3 - [Fill in the blank]
Well, let's see...there's always sleep.... Or I could watch TV, read, or or...I could catch up on my asian dramas! Haha, my friend has yet to give me that list of dramas I must watch (self-reminder: must finish Autumn in my Heart), as well as all the Nicholas Spark books I must read =] Now I'm excited... But first midterm exams... =[

On a snowy saturday...

Jumping to submerge into a different world.
falling into fluid motions,
my body moving with the ebb and flow of the water,
hands angled to cut through the water.
The water masks my tears.
The sound of the rushing water drowning out all other noises,
allowing me to escape into my surreal world;
there's no confusion or pain,
simply serenity.
My liquid sanctuary.

----

There's so much I want to say,
so much I want to do,
but I just sit here,
waiting,
wishing...

Just Reflecting...

I feel like I've gone wrong somewhere...messed up little by little, sometimes a lot. Anyways I don't know how I've gotten to this state where I currently am. It's getting harder and harder to look forward; my vision's so short-term these days. Even in the now - no idea what I'm doing. Only thing I can seem to do these days is look back, but even then it doesn't help much, can't seem to figure out what happened to lead me to this point. Simply going through the motions of life, but without truly being there in the moment. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore....

Praying for guidance....

Another New Year's Resolution

...Be more considerate to/of others

Reflecting on what I've done/said (or haven't done/said) lately, I don't feel anything close to the person I wish to be. Hope to change that.... A work in progress, so forgive me for my mistakes.

Wow it's only January 6th and I'm already failing on my new year's resolutions.... But must try...must persevere...I even found some quotes to help me:

God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest. ~J.G. Holland

The difference between try and triumph is a little umph. ~Author Unknown

Many an opportunity is lost because a man is out looking for four-leaf clovers. ~Author Unknown

When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work. ~George Bernard Shaw

Some people dream of success... while others wake up and work hard at it. ~Author Unknown

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ~Will Rogers

God gave us two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use. Head you win, tail you lose. ~Author Unknown

For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ~T.S. Eliot

So I figured it out - here's my list of what I want in a husband:

In terms of personality:
- like-minded passions in life; Christian
- kind, selfless, generous, considerate
- able to make me laugh
- romantic
- smart, able to hold a conversation with, high/average EQ (emotional intelligence), clever
- wise
- responsible, but sometimes spontaneous and able to convince me to relax and let loose
- trust worthy
- same taste in music and other interests (sports, traveling,etc.)

In terms of looks:
- taller than me
- broad shouldered

Tall order? Maybe. Give me a few more years to prioritize the list and figure out which are the most important.

Happy New Year - 2009!

Just some food for thought to begin the 2009 with...
If romantics will never be satisfied with a flawed existence, is it still worthwhile to hope for, or should we all just become cynics?

My Plans for 2009:
- Limit instant messaging usage (it's so impersonal and people's conversations don't reflect their actions when it comes down to it)
- Spend more time cultivating my spiritual life (bible reading, prayer, devotionals, podcast sermons)
- Stay in shape past swim season
- Stop procrastinating on my work/better time management, and be more serious about my work/grades
- Learn to cook
- Journal/blog more often
- Fix my sleeping schedule (includes stop sleeping in class)
- Use brain power on relevant thoughts (better use of time and energy also); better directed passions
- Learn to be more confident in/comfortable with myself
...to be continued...