"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matt. 6:33

I know what I should do, or at least I think I do. I know what I need to do to become the person I aspire to become. But it's always easier said than done.

I know I'm slipping, and I want to be better...but I'm afraid. I feel like every single time I've been trying to follow His way that I've gotten screwed over some way or another. I know it's not suppose to be easy. It's just becoming really difficult for me to see all the bumps in the road as part of the plan.

Am I losing faith?

He's My Muse

Your Eyes

Tentative, guarded.
Nonetheless your desires still shine deeply from within,
along with past disappointments,
broken dreams,
and the shattered innocence of first loves.
The broken heart scarred by tears,
wracked with confusion.
But hope remains,
remanants of memories of moments that took your breath away.

But most of all,
your eyes tell of your love.
Afraid, I look away,
scared the very depths of my being will repulse you,
frightened you'll see into my soul like I see into yours.

Catching a brief glimpse,
I'm lost.
Locked, I can't help but hold your gaze.
A sense of serenity pervades my soul.
Safety, security, protection.
Eternity.

And all I can do is pray you feel the same when you look into mine.

Forever and Almost Always, Kate Voegele

So the story goes on down the less traveled road
It’s a variation on the one I was told
And although it's not the same it's awful close, yeah
In an ordinary fairytale land,
there’s a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine heaven just sort of that
It's better than nothing

So you’ll be mine forever and almost always
And I'll be fine, just love me when you can, yeah
And I'll waiting patiently
I'll wake up every day just hoping that you still care
In the corner of my mind, I know to well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving I just put the issue to bed and out of my head
Oh and just when I believe you’ve changed for good
Oh well you go and prove me wrong just like I knew you would
When I run out of second chances, you give me that look
And your off the hook

Because your mine forever and almost always
When I’m fine, just love me when you can, yeah
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday just hoping that you still care

Oh, What am I still doing here?
Oh, Its all becoming so clear.
Yeah You’ll be mine forever and almost always
It ain’t right to just love me when you can,
Oh I wont waiting patiently
Or wake up everyday just hoping that you’ll still care
Forever and almost always

No it aint right to just love me when u can,
Baby Aint going to wait patiently
I wont wake up everyday just hoping that you’ll still care

Spiritually Weak

I've been really mean (snobby, judgemental, condescending, etc.) lately, more than usual anyways. And for that I'm sorry. I hope I didn't say anything to offend anyone and I pray that people don't think worse of me (but it's okay, whatever, I deserve it).

I've been trying to keep my mouth shut more but not saying anything causes the anger to build up more, and then when I do say something it comes out even worse.

I'm feeling very tired of being people's bitch. If you're not going to let go of the leash, at least stop pulling or let the leash run more loosely. Otherwise don't say I didn't warn you when I finally decide to turn around and bite...hard.

I know we can choose to become something different than the product of our enemies, but I don't have the strength to be the better person right now.