Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

Yeah...I feel pretty bad about what I said....

Merry Christmas

I feel so bad about this year...didn't have time to bake, buy presents, or write cards. But my friends have been amazing, as always. Thank you all for the cards, baked goods, presents, and holiday wishes! And of course thank you for always being there for me. I really appreciate it♥

"She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins." All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us." (Matt. 1:21-23)

Merry Christmas!

I've always had this dream...

He would be beside me,
We'd do everything together.
Laugh through the good times,
cry through the bad.
We'd be there to comfort each other,
take care of each other when we were sick,
or relax together after a long day.
Walk pass snow-covered trees in the winter,
or down the beach during sunset in the summer.
I'd wait for him to come home with dinner on the table.
In bed, we'd read together before cuddling.
And on Sundays we'd go to church together,
our child in my arms, and us in his.
Generation after generation, we'd still be together.

Ever since I met you I thought I had found him.
Him, the one who fit my dream.
And as I got to know you,
you replaced him.
I saw you, whose hand I was holding.
I saw you, whose face I held and kissed.
I saw you, who embraced me.

But as I got to know you,
I found out it was her (or her) whom you dreamed of,
Not me, it was never me.

My friends said give up, that I could do better.
But to me, there was no "better",
You were on a pedestal,
You were perfect,
There was no other.

Thoughts of you occupied my mind everyday,
every moment of every day.
But you never once thought of me.

Nevertheless, I waited.
Cried when you ignored me,
Angry when you forgot me.
But I forgave you.
Noble, I thought.
Giving you time to realize what I meant to you.

But now I see the distance between us.
What I thought existed,
I realize now that it was just an illusion.

So now I'm waiting, but not for you.
No longer will I let my thoughts be consumed by you.
You no longer occupy his place in my dreams.
I don't know who he is,
but I'm still waiting for him.

My heart may be broken,
but I know he will fix it.
I haven't given up.
To give up would be abandoning a part of myself.
So I will hold onto this dream - and wait.

Call and Response

This movie is a must see. And more importantly, accept the call and be the response because "justice is what love looks like in public" (Cornel West). To be indifferent to the issue of human slavery to be to inhuman. So be the voice for those whose stories need to be told. Join the 21st century abolitionist movement. Learn more at callandresponse.com.

I am sorry that I am deceived in him

Have to keep reminding myself of the promise I made to myself a while ago...

Samuel Rutherford once said, "Since He hath looked upon me my heart is not my own. He hath run away to heaven with it."
But if my heart is Yours O Lord, why do I wander away from Your unfailing love? Why do I leave the spring of Living Water to satisfy my thirst at dirty, broken, half-full cisterns? How long 'til I realize I will not find what I am looking for in this desert?
And when I had thought to have found a seemingly unending ocean, like a fool rushing into recklessness, I was caught in a storm.
But You, my Sovereign Savior, are my anchor. It is You who calms the wind and the waves. It is You who rescues me from the deepest, darkest depths of my own heart. And You who have sanctified the innermost chambers of my heart and said "It is here where the God of Heaven and Earth will dwell - in this place."
I'm sick and tired of searching. My feet are aching, my heart callused, squeezed of all its tears. My God, Abba Father, how I have missed You! So keep my heart O Lord, hidden deep behind the gates of Heaven above with You. Where one day another heart close to You may find mine.

Shakespeare said it best..."Is this the nature whom passion could not shake, whose solid virtue the shot of accident or dart of chance could neither graze nor pierce? [...] I am sorry that I am deceived in him."

Boys are stupid

Girls swim team has boy troubles; we're heartbroken with no will to swim...

It was fun to have some free time to just relax and talk to people today. Listening to everyone's opinions, including Mister Brown's to represent the guys' POV, was interesting. I'm glad we're still able to laugh. We'll always have each other...(yes it sounds sad and cliche but you're just jealous).

My still being here after four failed attempts doesn't seem so noble anymore, it's just pathetic.

Copied from my friend's profile

“The spiritual meaning of love is measured by what it can do. Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.”

'cause I think best at night

I hope people aren't offended when I tell them there aren't many people that I'm close to. I hope I'm not a pessimist in saying that because I usually am a pessimist. But I guess in some way we all realize it, who we know and who we don't. I'm glad to find out I'm not the only one who feels and thinks this way. Most of us don't like to point it out but in the end when we get to talking about it, we'll admit it. And in some weird way it draws people closer. More ironically, we all found each other and it makes me realize how blessed I am to have friends like you.

Blog on Child Poverty

I'm quite tired of the tears. Yes, I could continue to take this, but why should I? I don't need "friends" like that. People ask me why I'm so introverted, why I don't like to tell people the details of my life, simply because every single time I've been backstabbed. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe, but as of right now I'm too fricking mad to care. I just want nothing to do with you. I can't believe I was so stupid to believe you. You make me sick.

Crippled

As others run forward,
barely able to move,
crying out for help,
unable to pick yourself up.
"Living" a sepulchral existence.

Stuck wondering how to pick up the pieces,
shattered on the floor,
trying your best to not cut yourself in the process.
Refusing to fall under another label,
but questioning if this is really worth it.
Whether to simply give in
and enter a narcotic and opiate world.

Lost,
and unsure how you got to where you are.
Still unheard.
Help beyond the grasp of dreams.
Muffled,
beneath the covers,
fists clenched,
screams silenced.
Nothing but a burden,
better off alone.

Crippled,
by tears.

Because you make me sentimental

Although we don't see each other often, everytime we talk it's like we were never apart. I thank you for all the times you've comforted me when I cried and needed help, and I hope to continue to do the same for you. I can confidently say that knowing you has made me a better person. You encourage me and give me advice in everything I do. Many people think I have everything in order, that I never have panic attacks or worry about anything, but I pale poorly in comparison to you. You've had to go through so much already, yet most cannot see this side life that you are forced to live, that's how well you pull it off. It's people like you whose story draws tears, yet never have I heard you cry out in exasperation "why?!" Instead, you concentrate on those even less fortunate, and can pull through on those whims of "good" days, or sometimes just mere moments. I don't know how you do it. When I think about it, I'm the one who cries out Why?! How come she has to go through this?! Like you said, you don't know what will happen, and neither do I, but I can tell you this, that I will be there for you...the whole way. My prayers go out for you and your family. Love you.

Embracing Accusations

Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountain looks so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf
You have been King of my Glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace

you can't do it
"I will bring praise"
you don't deserve it
"No weapon forged against me shall remain"
they don't care
"I will rejoice"
you don't matter
"I will declare"
there's no one you can turn to
"God is my victory and He is here"

Borrowing words of wisdom because mine no longer make sense

Lately I've been busy thinkin'
And this is what's been on my mind
It seems like all I do is work for You, Lord
But I feel empty on the inside
I know that work is an important part
Oh but this is also true
My dilemma is an issue of the heart
When I try to live for you without you
I don't need to try to be The flawless example
Lifted up for everyone to see
I don't need to stand and shout it " Hey I've got the answer!"
If your presence is living in me
I won't need to talk about it
In a church committee
For the world to know the truth
All I need to do is just be me
Being in love with you
I've been spending all my time
And all my efforts trying to make you proud of what you see
But to my great surprise I have realized
Nothing that I do can change your love for me
- "Being In Love With You", Big Daddy Weave

"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." (Matt. 5:21-22, NIV)

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in someone else's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from the other person's eye." (Matt. 7:1-5, TNIV)

"So the last will be first, and the first will be last." (Matt. 20:16, NIV)

Too Comfortable

I think most people who know me know that I can be a real b**** many times. Not that it's an excuse for the way I've been acting or the things that I regret saying. Guess I've just been getting too comfortable around certain people, or just becoming too lax, and that leads to me being inconsiderate. So sorry if I've done or said anything to get on your nerves, hope you know I don't mean it.

I need to get back on track with my devotionals....

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
- Ephesians 5:15-17

High School Fair

Bronx Science...what is a title worth? Apparently a lot to most people, but it's sepulchral really. Overcrowded...underfunded...despotic administration...survival of the most diligent...they'll find out the truth when it's too late, or most will come anyways and just tough it out like the rest of us have. People (or rather the parents, the students either don't show up or stay in the back) go to the student representatives hoping to get a better understanding of the school, but I'll say that by 1pm I was dead tired from BS-ing so much about BS.

"So why did you pick Bronx Science and what do you like about it?" Uhh...'cause I didn't get into Stuy? What do I like about Bronx Science?....uh...I don't know.... I can say what I don't like about my school...

"Is everyone at Bronx Science super smart? Like do you do a lot of work?" Hahaha...and work?! You're asking the wrong person.

Of course I didn't actually say that. Actually, I found it was easy to reinterate all the BS our school had indoctrinated into us about its advantages. Guess if you live the lie long enough you begin to believe it. People will stand up for things they hate, because when it comes down to it we're not willing to sacrifice our pride.

In the end the parents just wanted to make sure that what they've heard about the school is true. However, the irony is this: BxSci sent it's honor students...high GPAs, honors and AP classes, club officers, team members (speech&debate, golf, swimming, etc.)...what BxSci is all about, but in the end we all had to BS. All seniors - we all disliked our school.

The weirdest part is that I actually gained some school pride by the end of the day. Not necessarily for the school, but more like respect for my classmates, my swim team, my teachers. It will be my alma mater soon and it does have its good moments every once in a while. All I can do now is make the most of my senior year.

Wonder what college students representatives are really thinking when we ask them about about their colleges....

Herald Gospel Camp 2008

My second time returning from Herald Gospel Camp (HGC)...and it happens again...I'm speechless. When people ask me how camp was I really don't know what to say. Umm...God was amazing? There's so much that I want to say...so much racing through my mind that, in the end, all I can do is simply stand in awe of what He's done.

I wish we had more time at camp; there were so many times at camp when my co-counselor Mat and I were just praising God for how He was working at HGC, but we didn't have the time or strength to journal it.

But...wow...God sure showed me; He blew my doubts away. When camp first started I was discouraged by the group of campers that I got. 9 boys...how do I connect with them? They're so easily distracted! They don't seem like they want to be here. They didn't seem very open to the Gospel, and didn't seem to care whether or not God had any role in their lives.

But as the week went on, God really worked in the group. He demolished walls! Our small group was named Paul, and throughout the week as they learned about Paul, it was like watching Saul's conversion right in front of me. Their eyes were opened to who God really was; they saw what being a Christian was really about...not about going to church and reading the Bible...but about our responses to Jesus' love. Then they started asking questions, wondering where God was in their lives, and seeing them clapping, raising their hands to God and dancing during praise time; it was all so inspiring. For some campers to find out that God was there for them through their lonliness, mistakes, and trials was the assurance that they yearned for and needed.

Through my one-on-one's with the campers God also opened my eyes to His love for them. I felt how precious each boy was to Him; at times when my patience would run low I saw how Jesus would just chuckle appreciatively at their comments because He created each one and loves them as they are. And despite all the spiritual warfare...obstacles, setbacks, discouraging moments...I was reminded that God is my provider and source of strength. Like Nehemiah, we are called to build His kingdom all the while having a sword at our side ready to fight off attacks.

Please pray for the campers because now that camp's over the real battle begins. Many campers return to non-Christian homes where they are not allowed to attend church and have little or no interaction with other believers. Also, some campers have started going to church for the first time. Counselors are trying hard to keep in contact with campers though AIM, email, and facebook. God is still working - it's been encouraging to talk to campers and hear that they are reading and studying the Bible and that their prayer lives are developing. It's amazing to see the fruits of the Spirit - makes me think "Yeah that's what God does, it's what HGC is all about."

"I will bring praise, I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory and He is here!" - Desert Song, Hillsong