I'm tired of all the fighting. All I can do is stay in bed, hoping that sleep will give some temporary relief. I don't want to listen to it anymore. So sick of it all.
I'm tired of selfishness. Just open your eyes and see someone beside yourself damnit.
And I'm tired of being used and overlooked. You make me sick. I'm so fricking mad at you, but I'm not sure you would care anyways. My heart clenches every single time I think of you. I'm not sure how many tears I have left.
God, please open my eyes to the future. Please let that be better. Help me remember the time You held me and I knew that everything was going to be alright...'cuz I don't know how much longer I can take this....
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Hold Me Jesus (Big Daddy Weave)
Video Code provided by MusicRemedy.Com
Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountain looks so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf
You have been King of my Glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace
When I wake up in the night I feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf
You have been King of my Glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want
Than to take what you give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
I'm falling down, falling on my knees God please
And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf
You have been King of my Glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace
My Testimony
The following is a draft of my testimony for my baptism. Still debating what I should add/take out...don't want it to be too long, at the same time, I'm not sure what I want to divulge. If this one doesn't turn out "right" then I may just use an old one I've written. Any feedback would be appreciated - thanks.
---
My story's not one of those terrible pasts or horrid mistakes. In fact, I had a pretty good childhood, sheltered, but good nonetheless. Believe it or not, my first realization of God was at seven-years-old. I remember realizing that someday I would die...yes, at seven-years-old. I bawled histerically. Thinking, fearing, what would happen? Who would remember me? Yes, I was conceited - I even rejected the idea that my parents would go before me because it was incomprehendible to me that I would have to go through that pain. Anyways, I wasn't too conceited to think that the world would stop due to my death though. I knew the world would still go on and then I began to cry more at all the things I would miss out on while my cold, motionless bones were lying in the ground. Then the questions of what would happen to me and what was the purpose of life plagued me. I started thinking about what my parents had told me...stay in school...go to college...get a job...earn a lot of money...get married...have kids...retire...die. Well, they stopped at the retirement part but you get the point. So I thought more, if the point of life was to earn a lot of money, then life is a game...like monopoly. Who determined things? Like in Sims I was in charge.... Was life like that too, some sinister being controlling everyone and choosing to send a tornado through the town simply because he/she was bored? If so...if life was a game...it was one I was not interested in continuing to play. So I figured there must be another purpose to life...it couldn't have been just a game...that's when I became interested in searching for a purpose to life. (Yes, I was seven-years-old.) Anyways, skipping ahead to age fourteen (intervals of seven seem to be my breaking points...). I had come to the conclusion that there was too much evil and suffering in the world for there to be a God and I became an atheist. Life pretty much sucked from there on. Some blame it on teen angst, I like to say I had a confused view about life. Life didn't make sense to me. The media told me to look inside myself and listen to my heart, but it has decieved me time and time again. Listening to my mind, I felt a lack of passion and thus was indifferent about life. After I while I became so confused I couldn't listen to either my heart or my mind and I didn't know where to turn anymore. Thank God that before I did anything stupid, God brought me to Herald Volleyball. There I met coaches who taught me about...what else? Volleyball. But more importantly, as Christians they showed me the love of Christ. And as I continued the program they also shared the Gospel with me. One of the coaches encouraged me to find a church and recommended Boon Church - which is how I ended up there. At Boon, I was both encouraged and challenged concerning the Christian faith. Then one day I learned the how true the verse "seek and you shall find" was. With gentle nudges from God...maybe coercion...I decided to catch up with my Bible reading one day. I had been going through the New Testament and was up to the Book of John. That day God's Word came alive to me...my questions of theology may not have disappeared but they certainly did not matter to me in light of God's love and sacrifice for me. In the presence of God and His promise that He would never forsake me, I made a commitment to Christ that day that I would follow Him, as my Sovereign Savior.
While life may not have become easier, the promise of His faithfulness still resonates in my life. And there are many blessings that are very apparent in my life which I am thankful for - and those are my brothers- and sisters-in-Christ. Thank you.
---
My story's not one of those terrible pasts or horrid mistakes. In fact, I had a pretty good childhood, sheltered, but good nonetheless. Believe it or not, my first realization of God was at seven-years-old. I remember realizing that someday I would die...yes, at seven-years-old. I bawled histerically. Thinking, fearing, what would happen? Who would remember me? Yes, I was conceited - I even rejected the idea that my parents would go before me because it was incomprehendible to me that I would have to go through that pain. Anyways, I wasn't too conceited to think that the world would stop due to my death though. I knew the world would still go on and then I began to cry more at all the things I would miss out on while my cold, motionless bones were lying in the ground. Then the questions of what would happen to me and what was the purpose of life plagued me. I started thinking about what my parents had told me...stay in school...go to college...get a job...earn a lot of money...get married...have kids...retire...die. Well, they stopped at the retirement part but you get the point. So I thought more, if the point of life was to earn a lot of money, then life is a game...like monopoly. Who determined things? Like in Sims I was in charge.... Was life like that too, some sinister being controlling everyone and choosing to send a tornado through the town simply because he/she was bored? If so...if life was a game...it was one I was not interested in continuing to play. So I figured there must be another purpose to life...it couldn't have been just a game...that's when I became interested in searching for a purpose to life. (Yes, I was seven-years-old.) Anyways, skipping ahead to age fourteen (intervals of seven seem to be my breaking points...). I had come to the conclusion that there was too much evil and suffering in the world for there to be a God and I became an atheist. Life pretty much sucked from there on. Some blame it on teen angst, I like to say I had a confused view about life. Life didn't make sense to me. The media told me to look inside myself and listen to my heart, but it has decieved me time and time again. Listening to my mind, I felt a lack of passion and thus was indifferent about life. After I while I became so confused I couldn't listen to either my heart or my mind and I didn't know where to turn anymore. Thank God that before I did anything stupid, God brought me to Herald Volleyball. There I met coaches who taught me about...what else? Volleyball. But more importantly, as Christians they showed me the love of Christ. And as I continued the program they also shared the Gospel with me. One of the coaches encouraged me to find a church and recommended Boon Church - which is how I ended up there. At Boon, I was both encouraged and challenged concerning the Christian faith. Then one day I learned the how true the verse "seek and you shall find" was. With gentle nudges from God...maybe coercion...I decided to catch up with my Bible reading one day. I had been going through the New Testament and was up to the Book of John. That day God's Word came alive to me...my questions of theology may not have disappeared but they certainly did not matter to me in light of God's love and sacrifice for me. In the presence of God and His promise that He would never forsake me, I made a commitment to Christ that day that I would follow Him, as my Sovereign Savior.
While life may not have become easier, the promise of His faithfulness still resonates in my life. And there are many blessings that are very apparent in my life which I am thankful for - and those are my brothers- and sisters-in-Christ. Thank you.
It's officially Monday, February 23rd...back to school today. I wasted my one-week off for mid-winter recess =/ (sigh) While I'm sad that there's a lot of things that I planned and didn't follow through with, the main thing that upsets me is that I still haven't gotten around to writing those letters. Got to be more disciplined.... I'm hoping that this week I'll organize my time better to study and finally get around to writing letters to people who have influenced my life for the better.
Just a side note, made a couple stupid mistakes today...really feel like beating myself up for them. Note to self: think before you speak, be more considerate of people's feelings, and go apologize to said people.
Just a side note, made a couple stupid mistakes today...really feel like beating myself up for them. Note to self: think before you speak, be more considerate of people's feelings, and go apologize to said people.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
As flowers wilt and chocolates melt,
so will gold lose its luster and diamonds cease to shine.
While women may swoon as their lovers bend one knee,
even passion will grow soft and breath run short.
Seasons will pass and as the snow falls,
so will love grow cold.
Only time will tell if this love will last.
But if your thoughts don't wander,
your gestures still sway,
and your embrace still be for me;
If your light still shines after the rain,
and is as steadfast as the sun's warmth;
If your armour you're still willing to carry,
and my purity you're willing to fight for;
If your love be faithful 'til the end,
then "I'll live with thee and be thy love."
so will gold lose its luster and diamonds cease to shine.
While women may swoon as their lovers bend one knee,
even passion will grow soft and breath run short.
Seasons will pass and as the snow falls,
so will love grow cold.
Only time will tell if this love will last.
But if your thoughts don't wander,
your gestures still sway,
and your embrace still be for me;
If your light still shines after the rain,
and is as steadfast as the sun's warmth;
If your armour you're still willing to carry,
and my purity you're willing to fight for;
If your love be faithful 'til the end,
then "I'll live with thee and be thy love."
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
Usually I don't celebrate Valentine's Day; I saw it as another stupid consumer holiday created for the sake of Hallmark's profit. But this year I'm glad to finally have learned the history, and yes, as cliché as it sounds, the true meaning behind Valentine's Day...or at least before it became a consumer holiday. Anyways my point is this Valentine's Day was different.
Walking into Herald Gospel Camp Reunion late today, I was so glad I didn't miss praise time. While the group was small, it didn't matter because what I saw was people who had come together as a family to worship the God we loved. Just one guitar and our voices...we simply smiled, sang, shouted, laughed, clapped, danced - a taste of heaven. There were no formailities; no worrying about singing out of tune nor turn, but declaring loud and bold that Your love is all I need, Jesus You're all I need.
Walking into Herald Gospel Camp Reunion late today, I was so glad I didn't miss praise time. While the group was small, it didn't matter because what I saw was people who had come together as a family to worship the God we loved. Just one guitar and our voices...we simply smiled, sang, shouted, laughed, clapped, danced - a taste of heaven. There were no formailities; no worrying about singing out of tune nor turn, but declaring loud and bold that Your love is all I need, Jesus You're all I need.
Then Eugene gave a message about how God is faithful despite how we cheat on Him. I'm inspired to read the book of Hosea now haha. This is also the part where I learned about the history behind Valentine's Day. So during times of war soldiers aren't allowed to marry and so any soldier who was involved with a girl would be thrown in jail. And there was this priest, St. Valentine, who would marry these couples in jail. However, the true love story isn't about the couples, because there were a lot of Saint Valentine's (like about 40), and every single one of them were martyrs. They died for the one true worthy love - God's love.
After reunion was over I headed over to CCHC where I got into continuing my conversation with Eugene about my possible future in psychology. While we talked a lot of possible career choices, college, etc. the main thing I got out of it was that I should relax and trust in God. Walking home that day I felt such an inner peace; the verse "Be still and know that I am God" (psalm 46:10) was reverberating in my head.
That was the best day I've had in a while, and definitely the best Valentine's Day I've had so far.
Monday, February 9, 2009
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