XLIII

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, "Sonnets From the Portuguese"

In the dead of night,
the silence becomes deafening.
The shadows creep closer,
and the air grows colder.
Trapped within the depths of your own soul,
there's no one else with you.
You're suppose to know that they're there for you,
that He's there for you.
Yet, head-knowledge doesn't suffice;
overwhelmed with hopelessness.

They think you're a fighter,
but the truth is that you've lost.
The sword is gone
all that is left is to hold the shards of your shield together,
hoping not to get cut.

In this hole that we're digging ourselves into,
all we can do is hope that there is still someone,
waiting for us once we're done.

Yet we push.
Maybe it's because we've been abandoned before,
and the possibility of suffering the loss again is more than we can handle.

So we push -
to see who will still be there.

alone.

Can't believe I was having such a conversation

In the past when I went over to my grandparents' place, my grandparents would always joke "How old is Peony again? Oh really? You know, she can join Miss Hong Kong soon."

"What?! Miss Hong Kong? You speak of it like it's a rite of passage."

Though I was flattered I just shrugged it off; grandparents are suppose to be the nice ones. Little did I know that it may not have been a joke....

Today it was just my mom and I at dinner. We were watching the chinese channels as usual. The commercial for Miss Hong Kong came on telling people that it was time to register if they were eligible and interested. And it came up again...

"You're 18 now...going to college soon...."
"Yeah, okay.... So?"
"You should join the Miss Hong Kong Pagent."
"And why would I do that?" (Why would I subject myself to that kind of debasement?)
"Because you can speak English"
"So I'm guaranteed to win?"
"Pretty much."
"Uh...I don't think it works that way Ma...."

Anyways, the conversation continued to how the past winners have come from Canada. And how HK girls can't compete with US/Canada girls because we're supposedly more than academics, and yet HK people are really impressed with girls who go to college (because most HK people don't/can't), "especially an Ivy-League" my mom added. (I don't know which is worse anymore, how she used to say I'm going to go to community college or how she expects me to go to an Ivy-League.) And yes, because we speak English we have an advantage because Miss Hong Kong has to go to benefit events, etc. to represent Hong Kong. Apparently it doesn't matter if we can't speak, read, or write Chinese though. The irony. Then my mom tries to convince me to join and starts outlining how my future would be if I did win and the "many benefits" she sees. For example, "You know, the last two Miss Hong Kong's have married the richest guys in Hong Kong." I quickly used that for an out to change the topic - "Who says I want to marry someone rich?" Thus the topic changed and she started telling me how my views will change in college. (Gosh, I hope not, I like my list.) And before I left the dinner table she added in that it was important for me to marry rich because I have to support her and my dad. I told her that's what Goh Goh (older brother) is for.

Interesting how other people's view and expectations of us are....

Stolen from my friend's (Ruth) status:

Why, oh heart, do you resist?
And why do you still fear?
Do you not know that God persists
and longs to draw you near?

Why, oh heart, don't you concede?
And why do you still hide?
Will he not meet your every need
and heal the wounds inside?

Why, oh heart, do you not yield
to Him who loves you so?
Will He not prove to be your shield
and take away your woe?

Why, oh heart, is it so hard
to give your God your all?
Why do you not let down your guard
and let Him be your wall?

Oh heart, just look around and see
that God is for us strong
though hardships, strife and trials be
with Him do we belong.

Our Shepherd speaks on our behalf
before the mighty throne.
Remember that his gentle staff
has claimed us as his own.

The Father's grace does freely flow
to those that he shows love.
Recall its warmth to us below
from heaven up above.

And give not in to foolish pride
Do not be led away
His Spirit is our gracious Guide,
and with us he will stay.

Do not be scared, oh little heart
Do not give way to lies.
A contrite spirit He'll impart
the weak He won't despise.

Thank God that swimming provides a catharsis for me.

Anyways, on my daily scrounging of psychology articles, I found many articles that interested me, yet disturbed me at the same time. Most were concerning the higher rates of depression, self-mutilation, and suicide in today's society. If you know about my past experiences then you'll understand why I'm passioned about this topic. That's all I'll say about that.

So this article (http://www.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20090116-000004.html) focuses on the topic of suicide/depression, but especially amongst girls. Of course, we all know about our individualistic competitive culture, society's unrealistic pressures, and how the strive for perfection only leads to disappointment. However, more interesting is how today's technology and modes of communication, hinder the emotional growth process, thus preventing problem (or drama) solving skills. In addition, while technology can help us connect with a wider range of people, it also takes away our privacy.

I think society has transformed the image of alone time and self-reflection. It's seen as taboo, a warning sign for depression. While sometimes it can be, I think it is only because we perceive it as so. Daily alone time and self-reflection is probably more advantageous than harmful. Nonetheless I say that with caution, for some people can be so steeped in their own world that opportunities and hope can appear closed off.

Don't really know the point of this whole rant, just that lately I've been trying to stay off instant messaging and blogging more for reflection purposes. Moreover, I've been trying to communicate with people on a more personal level, and I realized I suck at it...horribly. Yes, it's more my own fault too for being really introverted and a nerd/geek in my past years, but I do think society and technology deserves some blame.

So I guess the point of this post might be as a heads up. I know my own thoughts, so I imagine that other people's can't be that different. High school, or just life in general, can really make us realize how alone we are sometimes. Also, from my experience, I know how burdening it can be to feel like you lost someone because your pride prevented you from helping that person. And while that may seem like the extreme case, I think it serves as a warning for our current relationships.

Excuse Me

I agree. I've been really mean lately. Sorry. Trying here - probably won't say much the next couple of days.

need to hit the pool soon...

Post-Xanga

So I finally remembered what my xanga was yesterday and I'm checking it out now.

Wow...I was smarter back then. Definitely more diligent. But most of all, I think I was stronger spiritually back then.

When I first viewed my xanga I saw a lot of entries about my faith. Entries about how I was trusting in Him, how He strengthened me, and simply praising Him for what He provided for me continuously. After I signed in, I saw all the entries I privated. Reading everything again brought up a lot of painful memories. But looking back now, it's not the tragedies and disappointments I remember but my times with God, how He had brought me through it all and how He was always there for me. It's like the poem "Footprints in the Sand," it's the hardest times when we find we can draw closest to God...that He's there carrying us.

I promised myself something a long time ago; I will not become like my mother. Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother and I think she's an amazing person. But when it comes to her Christian faith I feel like she's lost it - she's become jaded. I'm afraid my heart might be hardening as well. I pray not.

In response to Lisa's Post "Open or Closed?"

To be open hearted and love people completely? Or hold back? It's a question I've been wondering about for a while. If you love someone, why hold back? It's natural, it's what you want to do. But people say that you're going to get hurt, it's naive, stupid, unrealistic. That life isn't like that, that love isn't like that.

But if love isn't this divine thing then I imagine it like this: One boy pines over this popular, good-looking bit..., I mean, girl for years thinking that she's his dream girl. All the while the boy's "best friend" is being too good a best friend for him to ever realize that the girl of his dreams has been next to him his whole life. Yet the best friend keeps believing that one day he'll open his eyes to become her dream guy. And all the while she cries to her best friend, a guy, that her dream guy doesn't notice her. And that "best friend" is thinking "well, you never notice me" but he'll never say that outloud and will ever only continue be the best friend. In the end, they'll all end up alone.

If that's the practical, realistic love people are telling me to go for, then I'd rather get hurt. I don't want to become that person that's jaded and cynical. I rather be the one who puts myself out there because I have to believe that love brings two people together. If love isn't like that then it wouldn't be worth fighting for. So call me a hopeless romantic, naive, foolish, stupid, but if love isn't like that then I'm not sure I want it. I want to believe....

Yet I'm afraid.

Just a Shout Out

Still waiting for Tim Be Told's EP to come out... I'm too indecisive to have a favorite band, but if I did it might be them. Anyways, just wanted to share a clip of a song that will be on their EP, Analyze: http://timbetold.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/analyze-master.mp3

Haven't even heard the whole song but I'm already addicted to it, might become my new favorite song haha.